12/9/2012

I've met the greatest person ever. L is everything I have been looking for. She truly is the breathe of fresh air I have been dying to fine. We met on POF three weeks ago and we have been with each other since then. We wake up talking and go to sleep talking. She truly makes happy! Plus I haven't had a dull moment with her. We do everything together and haven't gotten sick of each other. Last night she made me realize that I want to be with her. And I asked her to be mine. It's awesome knowing that I have such a great girl! Blah! Like I'm so comfortable with her with everything. Never felt this way with anyone before!

Oh and me and M aren't friends anymore because she couldn't handle what was going on. She told me to forget her. I know that she is kind of upset and such but I def couldn't sit here and miss out on something that would make me this happy because she just wants to be friends. Hopefully she comes around and we can be friends again. I really want her as a friend.

With confusion....

So my life is still in a downward spiral but slowly the pieces are being out back together!

So this weekend was def one for the books! So much shit went down! Some more epic than other parts.

Well me and M are just friends. We had a long talk today about everything. I mean everything. But it seems like she is hanging on to me for all the wrong reasons. But what makes it hard to step away is the fact that she wants the chance to be with me. It's frustrating. I'm over it and I think I need to walk away.

S and I are having fun! She is the reason why my weekend was crazy as shit! So much illegal activity! Haha! Anyways she is pretty much becoming a really good friend! Lol we have so many gay moments with each other! Shit is funny! Her new boo thang are fucking hilarious! Never a dull moment with those two fucks! I really hope they work out.

Speaking of the weekend. I saw D! Omg this girl is attractive as shit. Kinda of pissed at what was going down with her and S but I know they have a history... But anyhow she pulled me aside and talked to me about a message I sent her via FB. Like she wrap her arms around my waist and we walked down the streets of ybor together. I really like her and she was super friendly. I don't know where it will go but whatever!

Anyhow I want to finish watching random shit and stuff...

Comfort...

The more and more I become comfortable with myself, I start to realize more things. Yes I like women. Yup I get shy around them more so than guys. It's weird. I can talk to guys with no problems but as soon as I see an attractive women game over... I can't stomach it because I've never been like that.

Like right now. I kind of like S. She and I have a unique relationship. Haha plenty of friends (fish) buddies! She is cool but the thing is she drinks way too much for my comfort. But damn it she is hot as shit. I wouldn't even mind being just her cuddle buddy because in all honesty being in any sort of relationship with her could be toxic. What makes it weird is the fact that she has said she liked me be but I'm not fem enough. Clearly I'm not changing who I am in order to be with someone. Being someone I'm not to be with someone is just not my thing.

Also S has a friend that I'm really interested in. I'm not sure what to do about it. She is super attractive and a free spirt. I kind of know what she is into and stuff but that's about all I know. We are FB friends and every time I see something posted in my news feed by her I can't help but to stop and stare. She is beautiful! But I'm a chicken shit and can't ask anyone out or anything... I need to work on this!

Anyhow the more and more I meet more people, mostly lesbians, the more I feel at ease about life and the direction I'm heading. I don't know why but my path seems more clear.

I see my future now not painted the way it use to be. Married to a man, living in a house with a white picket fence, 2.5 children and a lab. You know the typical american dream. I see it as a figment of what my life use to be. I now see it married to a woman, kids, and just living live. Happy! Happy with everything going on in life.

"I'm on the pursuit of happiness and I know everything that shine ain't always gonna be gold. I'll be fine once I get it, I'll be good" -kid cudi

With awkward moments....

So after my breakdown with M, things have gone weird.

So POF has sent a few weirdos around my way. The one girl that has caught my attention has been S. She is cool but she has a drinking problem. And she has made it clear that she wants to be friends? Not sure if that is exactly what it is or what. Confusion with her comes from her always wanting to hang out with me. But then turning around and telling me about her type. Bitch has tons of friends... But yet you wanna hang out with me all the time. Yea makes tons of sense! I don't even hang out with my actual friends that much!

Anyhow her friend in which she cuddles with is completely someone I would be interested in! She is so adorable! But whatevas I'm not looking for a relationship.

Me and M are just friends now. It's kind of a long story but maybe it's for the best. Long distance is hard even though it really wasn't that bad. I mean I still like her and hope that one day me might be able to work things out but for right now oh wells.

Anyhow it's time for a late night run to Walmart for meds and shit! I sound like a tard!

Lost...

I'm so lost right now! I'm at a point in my life where it seems as if things couldn't be anymore fucked up than they are. I lost my job, the girl I liked and now I'm laying in her bed next to her wishing there was a way to escape. I don't want to be here right now!

My life has gone from being fine to a completely shit show where I have no clue on how to get a grips with it! I'm
Just over everything. I wanna escape,

Maybe she is right and I don't know enough about her to know how I feel about her. After tonight and the things that were said I have no clue what to expect anymore. I'm over the cards being dealt to me. Way too much hit has come to me in the past few months and it all started with me changing my mind about moving to Ohio. Followed by my steps of coming out. I feel like my life is ruined.

I can't get my masters. I can't find a job. And shit is spiraling put of control!

after all this time you....

So after oh what 5 months, J finally spilled the beans.... We got to talking about things with M and how she wishes that her and M could get along because of . Granted they kind met at a not so ideal time but whatever it happened. M doesnt too much care for J but J wants to be try to be friends with her. I give J props for that because she is trying to be the bigger person.. but anyhow we got to talking about something completely different running together actually and it turn into a conversation about alot of other things...

so after the whole running thing we got on the topic of me and M. Well she apologized to me for leading me on and stuff which was a super nice gesture and told me that she would always be there for me. not what i was expecting from her. then she proceed to tell me that I helped her out alot and she was grateful for me being in her life... ummm when it got to this part i was in a bit of shock... i told her that she helped me too because I was finally able to be honest with myself admitting that i liked girls. Well after this whole rant about us and what things meant between us I asked her a straight up question. "If M wasnt a factor would she give it a second chance with me?" I really didnt think she would answer it (ive asked questions to her like this before and she either avoids them or doesnt respond) but this time she did. her response kind of shocked me. she said that she didnt want me to end things with M to be with her. but she would give it a shot. Interesting... she has never been straight forward with me when it came to how she felt. well i told her that I wasnt going to leave M for her and that I was just curious. If she would have told me that from the start things could/would have been different with us and maybe things would have turned out differently. So bia liked me from the start what a jerk!

anyhow now things with M are all screwy bc she feels like I'm pressuring her to be friend.

i dont know ill edit this later.... taking about this is stressful and frustrating!!

Edit:
M thinks that she is now bad for me... im so confused right now...

With Life throwing people into my life...

So life has been pretty interesting lately. I go from being jobless for a month to getting my job back with a raise. It's awesome to be back but I'm still stressed out about a few things. I just realized that I only have 17 credits left for my masters. Thats an awesome feeling!

M means so much to me! Seeing her every few weeks is awesome! She is so beautiful and has the biggest heart! She puts a smile face each and every time I see her! Even when I don't see her she puts a smile on my face. I'm
so happy to have her!

Like this weekend I saw her and if just felt right! There is something there! Don't know what it is but there is something. All the worries in the world just leave and me and her fit together. :)

Anyhow I can go on and on bout M. But I have to work in the morning. Bedtime!

a fancy title...

So not alot has been happening these days... I finally had a heart to heart with J. It all started with her thinking that M doesnt like her. Well its the truth. M thinks that I deserve a better friends.. Maybe I do? I dont know though J will alwasys be a friend. A distant friend but a friend needless to say. We always have a good time together whether we are just chillin at her place watching a movie or some shit. I dont know she is a good person at heart but her ways sometimes suggest differently. Actually though there are still some resolved issues with her now that I think about it. At times when its just me and her hanging out I still have the urge to want to be with her. I still have feeling for her and I really wish all of them would go away. I know that takes time and they are going away but I wish they would just leave and let me be. 

M and I are dating... Yup that's right. I'm now dating a girl. We aren't girlfriends ( haha that sounds so weird) but just dating.  I really like her alot. Its kinda weird that Im actually super comfortable around her. We have talked about alot of things I normally wouldnt talk about with anyone. It's been refreshing. I think this weekend I'm going up there to see her because its been 2 weeks since we have seen each other and i think it is about that time. If not I'll see her in Orlando in a few weeks. I also just need to escape Tampa for a bit. And long distance relationship again... hmmm i should have thought about that. 

I dont know this was kinda of a pointless post... but whatever. 

well that was nice...

So this weekend was by far one of the better ones I've had and this is why.....

I drove 4.5 hours to see M. Yup that's right drove up the coast to see a girl... changed my plans around too and lied to my mom and sister to see her... so worth it! well i left thurs. and stayed with her till sat. afternoon....

Thursday 
well thurs night we hung out, she cooked me dinner, and we got ice cream... this was the first time since the light house that we had been alone.... well we had our first kiss and it was kinda awkward only bc she was super shy about it but it was nice.... things got more comfortable and we cuddled... well of course one thing lead to another and things got a bit hott.... yea so i finally got to experience so parts of lesbian sex but before things got more involved i stopped it only because i was kinda uncomfortable... but thats what I like about M she respects my boundaries... she was completely fine with it....

Friday
Friday we woke up and she went to the gym... i laid in her bed with her dog till she got back... it was relaxing... when she came back we chilled there until john came over to wash clothes and to go eat... the burgers we got were amazing! then we went back and hung out in her bed again... then headed to the mall.... the boys need new shirts for the nights so they got those and then we left... well in the truck me and her were holding hands and stuff and kissing and for once it actually felt right... then we went out to the lamest club ever in tally but it was still fun bc i was with her... we made out in there too i think... i cant remember we all were drinking... we went home and more things happen... catch my drift... im not going into details.... then we cuddled and went to sleep...

Sat.
well sat. rolled around and we spent all day in bed... it was so nice waking up to her! it was so bittersweet knowing that i was going to be leaving her... she really is something special! but i stretched out the time and left at about 3... i knew she didnt want me to leave and i didnt want to leave her! but i left and we txted my whole drive to Jax!seriously i can see myself in a relationship with her even if it is long distance....she is adorable and cute and again a breath of fresh air!

anyhow i really like her and i cant wait to see her again... blah we shall see where this goes... but what makes this whole thing funny is..... J is now trying to hang out with me more now! she told me that she missed me and now she wants to go to the concert and busch gardens... hmmmm... i still like her but i def like M better and she is so worth it! so i think it is safe to say that my focus is somewhere else and J is now just a friend... lets just hope bitch isnt cray and doesnt try me... but that is all i have! DEUCES!

with PRIDE!!!

So this weekend has probably been the most rewarding for me accepting the fact that I'm most likely gay. I like women and that is it.... but here is how the weekend started....

Friday...
All week I had been waiting for the arrival of my two friends. M was one of them... well i went out first with my roommate and our other friend to our favorite place in the world... lol MacDittion's haha! anyhow i told them I was going to bail because M was coming to get me so we could go to honeypot. they were cool with it and it was no big deal. so M comes and gets me and we head out to honeypot. that place on a friday night is way different than sat. but whatevas. it def. was not the ideal place to meet someone for the first time but it worked....well then we had a fantastic time and it wasnt awkward at all... drove me home and i went to bed....

Sat AKA PRIDE DAY...
By far the best day of the weekend.... I woke up at 8 to get ready and stuff but ended up missing the parade which kinda sucked... but I made it down there in enough time to still get some goodies. well anyways I met up with M and her friends. thank goodness for them bc my friends ditched me... jerks still owe me for that one.... anyhow we spent the rest of the day walking the streets of st. pete with all of the GLBT community and it was great time. well after that I had to go to work for a little so I did and left them at my apartment. Well after that I invited C and J over and a few others over to pre-game and only J should up which was cool. it was kinda obvious that M and her friends didnt like J but who does haha! jk i like her but I can do better. so we all drank and had a merry time and waited for the cab to come.
we then hit the streets of GaYbor and hit up honeypot again... Honeypot was one epic night! of course J was flirting with me the whole night like usual but M would do funny things like come dance behind me and stuff... it was funny! then i also ran into C there and she was leaving bc her ex got into a fight and bunch of other stuff happened...but anyhow we came back and then it was fun times with the neighbors. J hung out with them the most while I hung out with M and friends. but i was back and forth between them... well i walked J out and said bye, which there is still an attraction to this girl and i'm slowly getting over it... then i came back upstairs to go sit on M... well that lead us to cuddling on the couch and eventually in my roommates bed (yea weird i know).... well that's all that happened which was super nice. we cuddled all night and it felt right!

Sunday....
waking up to M was a great feeling.... well we all got up and went and grabbed food. we all hung out for a little bit longer and then we all said our goodbyes... it was such a bittersweet ending to the weekend... but wait! i drove an hour to go spend time with M at her friend's house. that was the best time ever. she is such a sweetheart... we talked for hours about any and everything... she is so cool about me talking to her bout J and stuff... goodness she is such a breathe of fresh air.. i like her alot.... there were a few times where i wanted to kiss her but i didnt and she didnt want to cross my boundaries bc she knows my story.... well 1 am rolled around and i had to say bye to her.. it was super sad bc everytime we tried to say bye we would start talking bout more things... but eventually we did and she txted me the whole way home...

after this weekend I know that i really want to get to know M better... if anything she is the type of woman i need in my life right now friends or more than friends... since then we have been talking about meeting up again and stuff... she really likes me and i really like her and i really want to see where this goes... but with my heart burn/acid reflux or what ever the fuck i have starting to settle im going to bed... deuces bitches!

Friday!

hmmmm... long time no blog! my world is completely in the right place right now minus being a jobless bum! I feel like things are falling into place and I like where things are headed for once..

this weekend can not come fast enough! I'm so ready for it! Plans for this weekend include... A. meeting M for the first time.. B. St. Pete pride with M and maybe J if she inst being a bitch... C. Pre-game party with M, J?, and C... this could be a little dicey but I'm game. D. Ybor for the night! a weekend filled with beautiful women and fun times will be had!

anyhow me and J have been friendly but nothing much has been said or done between us. Its looking like being friends with this girl is possible.

C is young and all over the place but I like it bc at times she goes out of her way to txt me and stuff... like last weekend I ran into her at bulls club only bc she told me she wanted me to be there... her friend was kinda a bitch but whatever she told me about her and things will be okay once I get to know her friend. Then Sat myself and another one of my friends went to honeypot. Of course its because C is there.. again she wanted me to come see her. so there were a couple of times where she was kinda stand offish but when she was finally off by herself kinda things were all good. we talked for awhile before she introduced me to her ex and had to leave.. that was awkward but funny bc we talked about it the next day... common them with her is to not be around when her friends are around.... not sure where this is going with her... if anything being friends with her would be fine or maybe one day I'll just straight up ask her on a date instead of beating around the bush with the hangout bullshit! she has me watching pretty little liars now too! i kinda hate it but i cant stop watching it...

Then M. there is something about her.... last night and today we have been talking about things that I would normally not talk about with ppl but some how she gets me to open up! its kinda scary... well anyhow she is clearly interested in me and i am with her. just we havent met yet. we are planning on skyping before meeting on friday. i doubt it will be weird because we are both kinda goofy! also i think it has been established that whatever happens happens... hmmm dont know what that entails but i'm down?

blah i cant wait for this weekend!

a little nightly recap....

Game was fucking awesome! pretty sure that was my best flag stat wise game ever! it was so much fun! well J finally made it out to one of my games... this girl.... there is something about her that keeps me wanting to go back to her... she isnt going to let me live down the fact that she got to see my ass after i got pants on the field... well after the game I just planned on taking her home and calling it a night... well she asked to get food so i said whatever and we got food... well when i was taking her back to her place she asked me if i wanted to come up... i told her if she wants me to then i will... she said fuck yea so i do... well we hung out and it was fun... whenever she talks i feel like i can sit there for hours not saying a damn thing just listening to her... and i like doing that! i even find myself getting jealous when she starts to talk about her ex and new ppl she is talking to... i think though she might want to hang out more with me and my friends because they are older and she is starting to see that she is changing and things are changing for her... maybe that would bring her around... but there were a few times where i was just like damn i really wish i could just cuddle with her or kiss her but i was also sweaty and i know she has a thing about that... the more i think about things the more i see myself with her and i really dont like the feeling because i know we will only be friends bc thats what she wants... but i did enjoy time spent with her... who knows things might change....

i also spent the day txting away M and C... both who are way better than J but J is that bad girl that I cant get of my mind... C is so adorable! when ever she txts me it always puts a smile on my face! i told her about me pulling my groin and she said i'm sorry love and i damn near melted in the seat of my car... it made me feel warm on the inside lol... and M is just funny! I think me and her would make awesome friends and Im looking forward to meeting her next week! omg! 

anyhow im out like a light.... until next time!

hmmm.... nothing fancy!

So today has just been one of those blah days... I'm still overwhelmed by the amount of things I need to do in order to make Tampa work out for me but I mean things are looking up... After spending 3 hours with apps i got a call back from a lady who is interested in me working for her company as a PT but i have to do a 3 month non-paid internship.... it could be worth it in the end but i cant go three months without work... also it looks like i might have 2 leads at the hospital.... we shall see....

nothing new with the girls... C still txt me regularly and she offered to bring me food yesterday but she was fallng aleep! :( I would have loved to see her! Then M is txting me as we speak... she is out at a bar with a few friends... and then J.... well she isnt talking to me so whatevas... lets see if she tries to come to my game....

but anyhooo im getting sleepy now from playing an awesome game of flag tonight and i feel it is my time to retire! that was short and sweet!

Overwhelmed....

With me moving and stuff I have this weird mood thing going.... Not sure what to make of it but it's completely making me feel like shit!

There has just been a ton of shit going on and I don't know what to make of it... Like the whole J thing... I can't get this girl outta my head! One moment I'm completely over the idea of us ever being together then the next it's I wanna be with her... This weekend for instance... So I told her that if she wanted to come over after she got finish at whiskey north that she should come over. I wasn't drunk when that happened but at 3am she was txting me... Clearly we both knew what was up but nothing happened.... Following that night I sent her a message that said like hey I'm sober you should come over. She then told me that she couldn't do anything like that with me. I don't get why... There is something there that she isn't telling me. I just wanna know what's up. We haven't talked since I told her that I've separated my feelings from the situation and I can be just friends and if something happens it fine. So whatever to that.

Then there is miss C... So I finally had the nerve to ask her out and stuff and she always just ignores it. Don't know what's up with that... The last time I did it she didn't respond and i just left it alone and the she txted me the next morning and continued to do so all day! That girl is a mess but I think with her it might just be a good idea just to be txting buddies or whatever is going on with us... Maybe one day I'll have the nerve to call her or something.. Doubt it but who knows...

On a brighter note, I've been txting this other girl off POF today... She shall be referred to as M! M is pretty cool. She is from Michigan which is a huge plus in my book! Our conversations on POF have been amazing. Also she is older so that makes it better! The only problem is she lives in Tally. But she will be in Tampa at the end of this month for pride! So hopefully we will get a chance to met up and see where it goes from there...

Welp I need to finish up this awful packing.... I wanna go watch the game but I doubt that is going to happen!

I'm not a chicken shit!

so i finally did it! I asked her out.... only problem is that she never really responded.... she was out drinking and was having an emotional night... ill check on her later today to make sure she is okay. maybe then ill get an answer....

so this was completely weird but J started txting me out of the blue asking me what I was doing tonight... i told her nothing because that was the truth.... then i told her that I was worried when she starts to ask me to hang out late at night because she has a ton of friends and normally she goes out with them... well then it was followed by the whole things are awkward between us because of the whole me liking her and she not knowing if she liked me thing... of course I still do because stupid shit she does bothers me but it is getting alot easier for me with C being in the picture and ppl showing interest on POF.... I personally think that she does still like me but whatever.

but on another note I went to gay bar with a bunch of J's friends and her. yup it was fun as hell actually... i got drunk like always.... free drinks until 11 then took a shot of patron.... well me and her danced a few times together which was actually quite hot! I was super turned on by her... and dancing with gay guys is my new favorite hobby lol! i think she might have been jealous a few times when i was dancing with keith bc that shit was exactly how i use to dance with straight guys.... def drove home drunk which was no bueno... well before we left the club as we were walking down the street I txted her... i told her that that i wanted her and stuff.... yea ummm drunk txt fer sure but not really bc i was being 100% serious...i feel like at this point with her I could just do the FWB thing and be okay...well i told her that i just wanted to have fun with her and i called... she didnt answer but she did respond to txt messages.... she laughed and told me that i knew how to dance... for pete's sake i know i can bc im black lol.... no seriously its because thats just how i learned how to dance in college... she liked it and i told her i wanted to come over but she didnt respond so i took my happy ass to bed... im pretty sure once she wakes up she will have something to say about it.....

which i just thought of something..... i think when i really did want to be with J it was because I wanted to be back in a relationship way too fast and kinda rushed things now that i think about it.... i think what im doing right now is what i should have done awhile ago and just saw where things went with me and her rather than telling her that i wanted more from what was going on.... i mean i guess i could have defined more as anything but  i think when i said more i think she took it as us taking it to the next level... and that was not what i wanted... well i did but i didnt.... i dont know if that makes sense...  oh well as the day goes on i know there will be some kinda of developing news or some shit.... whatever im taking my ass back to sleep!

short and sweet...

so after hanging out with J I've come to realized that she is seriously bad news. yup seriously bad news! As much as I enjoy her company and being around her I really need to put things into perspective more. so I think on my next plane ride Ill be making a pro and con list bc i think that will put things into a better light. Also I'm in the ATL and i really wish ppl would stop staring at me like I have a something in my nose... you try waking up at 4 in the morning to catch a flight after a rough night of drinking....

which brings me to the other girl.... I really like her and I think that getting shit together for us to hang out.

well shit my plane is boarding so I guess I'll update this later!

Update:
so i never made a pros and cons list bc my plane ride was shit! but i think now I'm done with J. if things were meant to be they would work out and clearly that is something not worth it. C has def become a priority... just through txt we have alot in common and our conversions are always good. also she confirmed that she likes girls since she said she was helping her ex with HER relationship problems... yup now i just need to ask her out or something...  ive hinted on it but never actually did anything... ill work on that lol she makes me nervous...

and while in michigan i talked to an old friend.... entertaining bc now he thinks that I was born without a penis because my game is just as good if not better than his lol

but whatevas im out for the night!

With a Fuck YOU very much!

Frustration at it's finest! first off I'm really getting sick of the fucking games being played... yea I get that you dont know what the hell you want and that there is "no spark" but really is the flirting really necessary! NO!!! this is seriously one of those times where I really sometimes wish that the way I feel about someone wouldnt have happened. I really dont know what to do about this girl bc i know that there will always be something there!

Okay so this is what happened.... awhile ago I told her I would help her make slide gloves for skating.... well she got all the stuff and all we needed was pucks... I finally got those today and told her that i did. well she wanted to make them tonight but I had a game so I said maybe after. kinda happy that didnt happen bc i was super cold and wet bc it rained the entire game.... but anyhow i txted her and she asked what I was doing tomorrow so we can make them.... All I have to do is pack for michigan and kinda clean up a little bit.... so i told her just working and nothing else... oh miss confused sends me a message that goes as follows, "ok no then its me time :)" Really? I told her I would think about it and would come over tomorrow.... then there is the ill be here then and i just said okay... then she responds with ;-).... that is not necessary! shit like this kinda pisses me off! so we shall see how things go tomorrow.... I really think this is when I really need to hang out with C and see where things are going with her! Fucking J!

brief but kinda due...

so yet another exciting day at work.... yea whatever that means... anyhow today was kinda a weird one... first off the last few days I have been in a really weird mood. not sure why just my mood has been completely off... mostly because at times i've been feeling a bit "lonely" in a sense but im not even sure if that is the right word...

well today i was doing my usual fb newsfeed refresh and I saw something that reminded me of J. so i saved the photo and sent it to her. low and behold a conversation about nothing started. not suprised... I also told her that I met another girl, C, at the gym and she was asking me about her. first thing was is she cute... then it was is she spanish... lol clearly C isnt spanish and i told her that and told her that after dealing with her, J, i wouldnt give spanish girls a chance again... clearly im kidding with her but she called me mean lol! oh well! and actually i think me and her are suppose to make her slide gloves tomorrow or something... whatever we'll see if that actually happens.

I've also talked to C today as well. she is so fucking awesome! i dont know why but she is... but at times i kinda get the vibe that she might be into guys more so than girls but i just dont want out right ask bc that would be weird.... my buddy swears that she is into girls so ill take his word... but anyhow she wants to come workout with me one day at the gym.... 100% for that! :) anyhow we talked about pretty little liars and how i should be watching it lol... ummm yea not sure if i actually want to but i might give it a shot.

anyhow its gym time after i run to the gas station for some stuff...

dont have an entertaining one...

So it a Sat night and what is my ass doing... BLOGGING!!! yup sounds like and entertaining evening.... well a couple of days ago I thought it would be a good idea to join a dating site in the intentions of making new friends. good idea? yea so far so good... I've been talking to a few ppl on there and it isnt too bad. my intentions are to get into in sort of relationship or anything of that nature but i have gotten responses from a few ppl that have hit me up... im not going out of my way to introduce myself to anyone lol! for some reason girls make me more nervous than guys... maybe bc i see guys like i see myself and it makes it easier for me. i dont know.

anyhow I've still been talking to C. fucking gorgeous ass gir!l still havent hung out with her but we still txt each other. which reminds me I really need to meet older individuals... but she still is pretty cool and I'm learning alot about her. we actually have alot in common which is kinda weird to me because she is so young. but i guess life experiences have no age restrictions. i invited her over today but i think she went to a friends party... i dont blame her bc look at what Im doing on a sat.

which brings me to something I did today... havent really been speaking to J only because I know that my feelings about her are still a little bit too strong.. but for some reason I txted her. it has been 5 days since Ive actually talked to her. nothing was really said so whatever. but i did have a strange dream that she was trying to get with me. it was awkward. but she is way too toxic and I really need to leave her alone. I just need to be friends with her.

oh and this brings me to this other thing about this whole journey. I noticed that there is this fine line of what type of lesbian ppl are or choice to be. its either your fem or a stud.. which to this day I get but what happens when your neither... like myself for instance i like to wear girl clothes and stuff but im such a tomboy! so what does that make me? im not overly fem but i prefer jeans and a tshirt. I dont get it.... and dont get me wrong im not judging the groups i just dont know how to define myself.

but whatever thats my weekend rant for the night...

With hopeful wishing....

So earlier in the day I was really hoping that J wouldnt show up to my game tonight.... And just as I wished, she didnt! thank goodness for school work! But she did wish me good luck and stuff... sometimes I really wish that girl could figure things out about herself or make up her damn mind.... but oh well she is her own person and will do what ever she wants.....

In even better news... we lost our game.... well thats not better news but the way we lost it makes the story better.... the game ended due to a fucking fight like an extremely awesome fight between the guys! shit got CRAY super fast! but needless to say we had a chance to come back and win if ppl wouldnt have taken their heads out of their asses... no biggie there is always next season!

So let's talk bout C more... Earlier when she txted me she was out with her sister before having to go to work...  well she asked me what I was doing... I told her about my game and stuff... and to my surprise she said damn I wish I didnt have to work bc I want to see you play! oh did that bring a wonderful smile to my face! if anything I would rather her that from her than to her it from J. so next season if I'm playing she is coming! yay! then to make things funnier me and my buddy headed up to where she works after I worked out but we didnt see her... anyhow Im really looking forward to hanging out with her and getting to know her...

but thats all I have in me for tonight bc I do have to be up at the ass crack of dawn to go to work... so with that im out!

Phone is silent then...

Okay so this day is taking way too long to end! I'm ready to leave work and get on with the rest of my day...

Anyhow I've been sitting at work all day, pretending to work which is starting to become a trend around this place, and my phone has been pretty silent when it comes to me receiving txt messages... Well you know it's oh 130 in the afternoon and the only person that has txted me was someone asking me to work this weekend. Well of course now J sends me a message!

Fuck! she is asking me what time my game is... Before all the stuff happened, refer to previous blog for that info, she told me she wanted to come to a game. At the time I thought it was a good idea bc you know things werent crazy and stuff but I honestly thought she had forgotten. Nope last week she did and this week she remembers!

So I told her and she said she is coming if she gets her work done... Hoping that she doesn't bc I kinda dont want her there. But I'll let it go bc I'll be surrounded by my friends and hopefully she either leaves early or something! I'll be fine but I would l like to know why the fuck girls are so damn confusing!

But on a brighter note C just txted me and it couldn't have been at any better timing! I'm happy now! More later I think!

With a post about alot....

Love=no boundries 
Okay so this my first time blogging in like 7 years... livejournal kinda ruined things for me.... but that is in the past and some of the funniest high school moments were kept locked away in a public blog lol! anyhow lets start 7 years ago. I was in high school then living the way society wanted me to live. I was dating a guy, I played sports and I did my "best" in school. everything was going right so I thought until I hit the mean streets of college life. *queue scary music*


So I'm going to college....
So now lets move on to college. in college I screwed up. first two years I spent fucking up but I turned it around. but in college I noticed something that I never wanted to admit because I knew that it was wrong. For some reason I found myself attracted to girls and guys but the liking girls thing kinda scared me... So I quickly dismissed this whole concept because for once in my life I actually cared about what society thought. completely weird because if you actually knew me you would quickly see I have this I dont care attitude about life. but for some reason this had a weird affect on me.  to this day i dont know why but I know it has to do something with societal norms. 


So societal norms fucked me royally because I played rugby for 5 years and in the rugby world girl on girl action is quite the norm. Yea and I even had my mom ask me if I was trying to tell her something. I told her no every single time bc I "knew" that was the right thing to say... not like she really cares because she is 100% okay with it and accepts me for me but she had alot of questions about this whole thing.but that is besides the point. I played rugby and was attracted to a few girls... to me no biggie bc i suppressed the feeling... probably not a good thing but I did. so i continued to date boys and live this happy life or what i thought was happy.... mind you I have not been with a girl at all ever.... so i really didnt know what this meant. 


so 4+ years ago I met K. we dated for 4+ years. recently we entered this long distance thing and things changed. some for the good others for the worse. but I made the decision to stay in FL. great for me but things in April kinda took a nose dive. I meet a girl. Im attracted to suppressed feelings re-emerge and has me all sorts of fucked up.... so i do the unthinking able in  my friends eyes and break up with him. I mean yea me liking girls has the biggest impact on that but just knowing that I kinda wanted to be with a girl quickly added more fire to the flames. 


okay so i started hanging out with this girl bc we skated together. she actually asked me if i was a lesbian bc i came across as one lol! that always makes me laugh... but any how i quickly told her no and she apologized... a few days later I txt her and tell her that Im bi and she starts asking questions. welp this is were things get all weird... this is the tell J and me....


J and Me
J is an awesome girl! we have alot in common but after I told her I was bi things got out of control. She is confusing girl bc she flirts with me but tells me she wants to just be friends... me being a newly accepting a lifestyle change am completely okay with that bc I did just get out of a relationship and I wasnt sure if me liking girls was just a phase. again never been with a girl so i have no clue what the hell is going on. 


so anyhow we plan all these things together and we start hanging out more frequently... one night she invited me over for dinner after I got off work which I thought was a nice gesture. ya know friends having dinner and watching a movie and hanging out. so that night we all start drinking... great time bc i didnt have to work the next morning... well after a few rounds of beer pong and everyone being drunk and leaving... me and her try to finish the movie we had started after dinner. 


well that quickly turned into us holding hands and making out on the couch. yup first time kissing a girl happens when I was drinking... not what i had in mind but it happened. knowing that I couldnt drive home I told her i was staying. she said okay and we went into her room. so there was more making out and whatever and I knew she wanted to do more but I knew I couldnt let that happen... making out is one thing but sex is another... I quickly put an end to that... 


the next morning approaches and I leave her house. later that afternoon i asked her to do me a favor and we ended up hanging out again the whole night. this time we just cuddled on her bed bc i wasnt sure if kissing her the night before was a mistake or whatever so nothing happened... as im driving home she txted me asking me if I wanted to kiss her before I had left.. of course I did bc I was sober and I wanted to see if it wasnt just because of liquid courage running through my veins from the night before... this turned into a long conversation and  we both wanted to kiss each other and just didnt... 


welp lets fast forward to a couple weeks ago... after all this has happened things got all weird... my feelings for her kinda changed and I wanted more from her.... supposedly after telling her how i feel I get the there wasnt a spark talk and lets be friends... bullshit... yup thats what i think! she wants to be friends but up until recently with me distancing myself from her she would txt me everyday and stuff... i dont even txt ppl I talk to regularly and we are just friends... so whatevas... she meet another girl but she has a girlfriend.... yeah not good! but after talking with a friend that night I noticed this other girl that I use to see all the time in the gym.... which brings us to new things with C and Me. 


C and Me
alrigthy so this girl C... she is amazing looking... clearly a bi-racial child.... anyhow my friend points her out to me and I tell him that I thought she was cute. he quickly approves and tells me she is into girls... I asked him how he knows and he told me. with me being me he told me just to send her a message via FB. I did it and figure oh she will see it think im some creeper and wouldnt respond.... 


the next day Im at work pretending to do my job.... im very good at that mind you... and an alert appeared saying that she replied to my message... I was shocked... after talking about school and other random things I decided that it would be a good time to give the hey heres my number speech... i did and the next day while I was out with ppl from work she txted me... umm the grin on my face was fucking huge.... so from that friday till now we have been txting each other all day. only problem with her is that she is 20... :( not like age really matters but it kinda does.... 


well it seems like she is interested in me bc she has been asking me if I was single and stuff... then she has caught me off guard with the calling me honey and sweetie... yea maybe thats a lesbian thing but Im not sure I havent taken my floaties off yet to swim in the deep end. also is it a lesbian thing to use smiley faces and shit all the time? he is slightly jealous bc he wants to date her... so this is turning into the start of something good... im not going to rush into anything but I do like where this is going... we are planning to hang out whenever she is free. so this is where my new outlook on life begins....


Right now Im not sure what I want because girls just became an option for me and i want to get my feet wet. according to a good friend, she thinks that Ive already picked a side and I havent accepted it yet. time will only tell.... so I'm going to use this blog as source for me to write my travels of my tangled life and to vent about things... I like where this is going!