Being up late...

So I can't sleep. I don't know why I can't. Anyhow I'm up. I'm up thinking about things. My life is pretty simple now. I work, chill with my gf and hang out at home. Nothing that seems to interfere with how I want my life to be.

But there are part where I wonder why and what if. Like where would I be if I haven't met L or how would my relationship with M be affected if L never showed up.

I can't deny that I still haven't completely gotten over my feelings about M but I only feel this way when I'm not with L. M was something special in my life and I'm sad at the way I lost her out of my life because I told her I was dating L. I love L don't get me wrong but I don't know why I feel like I still need to talk to M. It's so awkward. Maybe it's the way that she way she left out of my life. I look at old pictures of us and I see that both of us were happy. Maybe we were happy for different reasons. I know that when our friendship was building after she figured we should be just friends things and things seemed so much better. But now that will never happen with us being friends. She looks very happy with her current gf and I'm happy for her. But in not happy that I lost a friend. I wanna txt her or something but I also don't want to end up as another tumblr post.

I don't know. My thoughts are erratic right now but I love my lady. She is an amazing part of my life. I love her and I can see myself with her for along time. Yup that's all.

Not sure?!?!

It's been a pretty emotional time for me. Don't know why but it is. I have a great relationship, I'm working and everything is fine. I just don't know why the fuck my problem is. I think I've gotten too attached to my girl. Last night I felt empty. It was weird not speaking to her much and it made me a bit uneasy. Something about her wants me to want to be connected to her all the time. It's not healthy. Now I feel like shit because I cried and def made her uncomfortable/bothered because I can't control the way I feel. I love this girl to death and she is my everything and she knows that. I just wanna break down and cry because I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. I know she is mine and she isn't going anywhere but yet not hearing from her and clearly knowing what she is doing I have issues with. I need to get over this and know that there are going to be times when she isn't goin to be around or if she is busy or something. She does have her own life to live. Her frat and stuff is a part of who she is and I'm hindering it because I can't talk to her or get my way. I sound like a 5 year pouting because I'm not getting my way. I need to grow up and get a grip on this!

Stupidity!

What the fuck! M really pisses me off! Okay sweet we can't be friends because I'm happy that I found someone I an see myself with and told you that! So you go and post txts on tumblr and shit bc it made you laugh! Okay bitch! Too bad that was by complete mistake! And then you turn around and get a girlfriend a few weeks later. Okay that part of my life will be deleted. My life isn't hurting or anything. Fuck you and your childish immaturity! Go fuck yourself!

With a new year...

So I've been reflecting on everything that has happened this past year from living life to relationships... its been a downward spiral with the things I have been through this year but I cant complain.

As I started reflecting on last year, I think I'm going to blog about my reflections. I started 2012 off in a relationship with a guy who I thought I was going to marry. I got way too comfortable in the situation and things that I noticed surfaced when he moved backed home. Glad this came about because I wouldn't have found myself again. And I'm super glad I did.

As far as friends go, I've made new ones and lost others but there are good reasons why I lost those that I have lost. No biggie life goes on. New friends I've mad have been super supportive of everything that has gone on. But with the removal of friends I knot that I'm going to gain more. Life goes on even if someone decides that they don't want you in their life. I'm very thankful for the people who have stuck around and been there for me during my rough patches. I'm thankful for the people who have removed themselves from my life. Negativity isn't something I want affect my life.

But on the flip side I'm super grateful for the people and relationships that have blossomed. I couldn't have ask for the most wonderful person to enter my life at the right time. She means the world to me in a bigger way than I could ever imagine. She makes me feel like no one else in the world exists. There hasnt been a moment in the day since we have started talking that I have felt an ounce of discomfort. I wake up every morning wondering what she is thinking and going to sleep thinking about us. She is everything that I have ever wanted in a partner. She is there for me both mentally and physically and I couldn't ask for anything more. L is someone who I see forever with regardless of what life throws at us.She is my everything and the more and more I spend time with her I know that my feeling are correct. Everyday I fall more in love with this girl. She fills me with the courage to know that my life will get better. She has been there for me every step of the way. It's only been a month and it feel like a life time of being with her. She is my everything.

2013 will be the year of no resolutions... Just me living life to the fullest and taking the shit that is thrown at me...  

12/9/2012

I've met the greatest person ever. L is everything I have been looking for. She truly is the breathe of fresh air I have been dying to fine. We met on POF three weeks ago and we have been with each other since then. We wake up talking and go to sleep talking. She truly makes happy! Plus I haven't had a dull moment with her. We do everything together and haven't gotten sick of each other. Last night she made me realize that I want to be with her. And I asked her to be mine. It's awesome knowing that I have such a great girl! Blah! Like I'm so comfortable with her with everything. Never felt this way with anyone before!

Oh and me and M aren't friends anymore because she couldn't handle what was going on. She told me to forget her. I know that she is kind of upset and such but I def couldn't sit here and miss out on something that would make me this happy because she just wants to be friends. Hopefully she comes around and we can be friends again. I really want her as a friend.

With confusion....

So my life is still in a downward spiral but slowly the pieces are being out back together!

So this weekend was def one for the books! So much shit went down! Some more epic than other parts.

Well me and M are just friends. We had a long talk today about everything. I mean everything. But it seems like she is hanging on to me for all the wrong reasons. But what makes it hard to step away is the fact that she wants the chance to be with me. It's frustrating. I'm over it and I think I need to walk away.

S and I are having fun! She is the reason why my weekend was crazy as shit! So much illegal activity! Haha! Anyways she is pretty much becoming a really good friend! Lol we have so many gay moments with each other! Shit is funny! Her new boo thang are fucking hilarious! Never a dull moment with those two fucks! I really hope they work out.

Speaking of the weekend. I saw D! Omg this girl is attractive as shit. Kinda of pissed at what was going down with her and S but I know they have a history... But anyhow she pulled me aside and talked to me about a message I sent her via FB. Like she wrap her arms around my waist and we walked down the streets of ybor together. I really like her and she was super friendly. I don't know where it will go but whatever!

Anyhow I want to finish watching random shit and stuff...

Comfort...

The more and more I become comfortable with myself, I start to realize more things. Yes I like women. Yup I get shy around them more so than guys. It's weird. I can talk to guys with no problems but as soon as I see an attractive women game over... I can't stomach it because I've never been like that.

Like right now. I kind of like S. She and I have a unique relationship. Haha plenty of friends (fish) buddies! She is cool but the thing is she drinks way too much for my comfort. But damn it she is hot as shit. I wouldn't even mind being just her cuddle buddy because in all honesty being in any sort of relationship with her could be toxic. What makes it weird is the fact that she has said she liked me be but I'm not fem enough. Clearly I'm not changing who I am in order to be with someone. Being someone I'm not to be with someone is just not my thing.

Also S has a friend that I'm really interested in. I'm not sure what to do about it. She is super attractive and a free spirt. I kind of know what she is into and stuff but that's about all I know. We are FB friends and every time I see something posted in my news feed by her I can't help but to stop and stare. She is beautiful! But I'm a chicken shit and can't ask anyone out or anything... I need to work on this!

Anyhow the more and more I meet more people, mostly lesbians, the more I feel at ease about life and the direction I'm heading. I don't know why but my path seems more clear.

I see my future now not painted the way it use to be. Married to a man, living in a house with a white picket fence, 2.5 children and a lab. You know the typical american dream. I see it as a figment of what my life use to be. I now see it married to a woman, kids, and just living live. Happy! Happy with everything going on in life.

"I'm on the pursuit of happiness and I know everything that shine ain't always gonna be gold. I'll be fine once I get it, I'll be good" -kid cudi